I'm not sure why, but my use of tabs on the browser seem to irritate, bewilder, disgust and just plain become a jump-on-my-back point for my family. It usually goes something like this:

Mikey: I can't believe you have so many tabs open.
Allison: For real!!!!
Ryan: Once you had a hundred tabs open.
Me: I did not.
Ryan: I'm exaggerating...
David: It's crazy.
Me: Why does it bother y'all so much?

They all have various reasons, often citing they believe it slows the computer down. I tell them they are welcome to close it and open a new, empty browser. Next time they see this monstrosity again, it begins again.
I'm certain I am not the only lover of multiple tabs out there...am I? They have the function of tabs (notice the "s", inferring plural). So why is it SOOOOO annoying to my family? It really actually amuses me now. It used to bother me a little, like I was some sort of tab junkie freak! Now, I realize it is much more about my brain trying to devour a ton of info at once, and then also, left up as a reminder of what I was so fascinated by when last was searching. Little reminders to look at next time. Right now, in a particularly ravenous mood, I have 12 tabs open. If time permits, I will whittle it down. If not, I will the next time I get on the computer. Whatever...

So, all of this is to lead to the update of my FORMAL diagnosis of ADD today. I can hardly wait to go to the doc tomorrow to get the recommended prescription. I see the monster, it has a name and I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO ready to tame it! Setting myself up for disappointment? Maybe...I fear that most.

When I first saw the symptoms and wanted to cry, I thought of all of the shame."High intelligence", they said. "Gifted", they said. Set me up for a huge fall and an expectation of myself that started to fail when stress was introduced. Then it was, "not living up to her potential." "Lazy." WOW, the shame. Fifth grade, being humiliated in front of whole class for the mess that was the inside of my desk. Noticed by a teacher looking for a missing assignment in my desk. She berated me in front of everyone and then dragged me and my desk into the hall for further humiliation. She was a bitch of a teacher anyway, but WOW... That is just one of the major incidents, to say nothing of the cumulative effect, through the years, that I have used to shame myself with. Parents, teachers, bosses, spouses, children even. They have ALL been in awe, disgust and frustration at the forgetting, the disorder and now the dirt and filth. This is the worst it has ever been in my life. It comes down to a multitude of reasons, that could sound like excuses, but are truly the progression of getting out of control and giving up. BUT, I remind myself, I didn't give up! I FOUND THE REASON. I didn't stop. I know what's in there that gets buried under the mountain of expectation of failing.

So, I guess, that is a lot of hope and expectation to put on tomorrow. Being this is one of the most difficult times in my life right now, outside of anything having to do with ADD, I really better reign in my expectations a little.
If this all sounded whiny or an attempt at sympathy, you would be mistaken. It is the cathartic way through for me. So, shut the hell up and get off my page!!!!!! (: If I have to wait for one day beyond tomorrow, or if it doesn't make the world turn into a beautiful Eden, then I guess there may be some whining and temper tantrums of Rumpelstiltskin proportions. We'll see...

Oh...for all of you that have these similar stories with the late diagnosis, God bless you, you lazy, forgetful, slobs! (:

I keep wanting to write how I'm feeling, and then I realize that I am still SO not open. Sometimes I think I am...perhaps I am at times, but I can't just let it flow. Still so guarded. Grrrrr. It's frustrating. It was so long into my life that I realized how oblique I am. Even to myself. I remember telling my mom as a teenager how I wanted one person to know me completely. Of course, she said that was impossible. I really didn't believe it was. Well, what I really wanted, looking back, was to blur those lines I drew between me and others. I had no idea how everything I said waI shrouded. I thought I was an open book. Slowly, over time, I listened to the people closest to me tell me I knew everything about them and they knew NOTHING about me. It sounded so absurd to me. What really resonated with me, was the people I was in long-term relationships with, telling me it seemed I couldn't speak or make sense when I tried to express my feelings. I know it to be painfully true, now.
Anyway, I guess I'm going through one of those phases where I just feel like I have Rapunzeled myself. Trying to let my hair down, hoping someone will climb up and I will articulately tell them, "Fuck off." Ha ha ha! Just made myself laugh. Secret mission (secret from myself) accomplished!

Well, I've embarked on yet another thought on what on earth is wrong with me. Since I've been searching most of my life, I guess if I ever reach the correct diagnosis, I will feel most accomplished in my life's work... ha ha ha hee hee hee  Seriously, I have an appointment to be assessed, which is apparently a long appointment. I was obsessed with getting to the doctor quickly and was able to today. She agreed I should be evaluated and is setting up the next phase. I really am holding out hope that I can finally move on. I've had many years where I gave up and assumed it was just Me. I've self medicated until I needed rehab. I've been to a billion counseling sessions. I've been on numerous antidepressants. I've really been around the world with it...off and on. It's only when I start to feel very trapped and stuck that I always resume the search.
I wish it weren't ADD, if only for the fact that it is such "junk science" kind of disorder. Not that I think it is, but how society looks at it. But really, if it is ADD, it's not going to matter if I can have freedom to utilize my own resources at last and not be trapped in my mind too much. Guess we'll see. Either way, I feel it's going to lead to the answer. Maybe then I'll stop being an artist who no longer creates...among so many other things.
I wanted to end with something funny...but I'm too tired from devouring information today.

Though I have been writing blogs since early '07, there is a new tangent I want to follow.

Okay...I have been reading Heather Armstrong's Blog Dooce since I was pregnant. I stumbled upon it looking for breastfeeding info. I've been reading it on and off ever since. There is a reason she is off the charts popular...she is hysterical and REAL. It reminds me of reading Erma Bombeck as a young teen. I spent countless hours laughing to the point of tears back then...and now again.
I have been a writer since I was young, so my first thought on reading Heather's blogs was that I wanted to do it too!! My second thought, true to my neurotic head, was there was no way I could do it because I couldn't be better than her. Uuuuughhhh... Well, after all of this time, every time I read her, I am inspired to write. So, I finally settled on the idea that I really need to do it...just for me. There is so much humor in life, add pregnancy and a child and funny abounds.
Sooooo, I will add an entry as soon as the inspiration hits. It will probably be like all of my journals in my life and my blogs...gaps of time the size of the Grand Canyon between each entry. Oh well... (:

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My silly goose, Sullivan.